I’ve had a few conversations with some mates lately and it’s got me thinking about my role in the bedroom and whether or not you can just stick to one role – top or bottom or should we all be somewhat versatile? Because I class myself as a “top”, always have and I thought I always would, I guess I limit myself to meeting that someone “special”…even though I’ve given up all bloody hope!

It might just be me, I highly doubt it, but whenever I chat to someone on an “app” I always find myself questioning their role, maybe not ask them straight up but I definitely do in my mind. If we get along really well and the conversation flows I always find myself hoping they’re a bottom; a total bottom would be even more perfect as it means he’s not wanting to top me. It was fine when living in Sydney, as everyone seemed to be a “bottom” with some guys even informing me that there’s a “bottom epidemic” in Sydney. However, since relocating to Melbourne I find myself constantly chatting to and meeting other tops or versatile guys. Soo it’s got me thinking about our roles.

Bottoming scares me. While I bottomed a few times in my last relationship I’ve never enjoyed it. I don’t get off on it and it never did anything for me. I did it for him. I was considered the top in the relationship and my ex was obviously the bottom…until he wanted to explore and decided he wasn’t content with just me in the relationship.

I left the situation thinking, “that’s it, I’m a strict top, I know and appreciate my role in the bedroom and I’m only looking for total bottom guys”. While it wasn’t hard, in the least, to find a bottom guy in Sydney, it’s definitely not as easy in Melbourne.

What if I meet a guy and we really connected and I found out he’s also top or even versatile? Could it work out in the long run? And is the only option an open relationship?

I put the word “versatile” in italics because whenever someone tells me they’re versatile, in my mind I roll my eyes and think “Ohhh god, pick a team and stick to it!” But maybe this isn’t fair. Maybe the best of both worlds is the way to go. I wouldn’t know.

Do versatile guys have more fun, as they say?


I met a really good mate of mine, Scott, on Tinder quite awhile back – back when it was popular and conversations were happening – and we got along really well. I really enjoyed the time we spent together but he was a top also and it just never really clicked in the bedroom…it almost seemed like we both ran around in circles bumping into each other not knowing what to do. After a month or two we had a chat and agreed that it just wasn’t happening due to us both being tops. I now consider him to be one of my best mates in Melbourne and we talk/email almost daily – this is the Scott I’m heading on the Atlantis gay cruise with next year!

But when I meet a guy and he tells me he’s “versatile” I instantly think he’s not right for me and we’re destined to be just mates. Here’s why I think this – and call me irrational if you want – because if he’s versatile and likes to top and bottom then I can’t satisfy him one-hundred percent in the bedroom like I could a bottom because he’s obviously going to want to top me at some point also, which I can’t image doing on a regular basis. So it could only mean one thing – it’s doomed from the very beginning, right?

Is it wrong for me to think like this or should I be more open to the idea of bottoming, even though I don’t enjoy it? I certainly couldn’t imagine bottoming for a random, I’d only ever try it again with a partner.

I know we now have terms such as, “Btm Vers” or “Vers Btm” or “Top Vers” or “Vers Top” which explains a guys preference but at what stage should we come to the conclusion that we’re just not compatible with a guy due to his bedroom preference and is it ok to come to this conclusion based solely on this? Or are we potentially missing the bigger picture?

Having said that, I know all relationships are give and take – no pun intended – and there should be some compromise, however to what extent? With my example above I honestly don’t think it would work out with me meeting another top, I just don’t seen how it could. Guys are sexual in nature and I strongly believe that sex, in a gay relationship, is in the top three most important things. Agree or disagree but I stick by those words. Can’t satisfy your partner? He’s obviously going to consider the option of going elsewhere! It’s just how it is.. Sex is sooo available these days that it’s easy to find discreet sex without your partner knowing. I had a guy message me on Grindr the other day, while driving to work, asking if I could drop by his place to fuck him before work. He said it had to be discreet because he’s in a committed relationship. I flat-out asked him if he was cheating on his partner behind his back and his direct response was “Yep” followed by a smiley face. This isn’t the first time I’ve come across this and it certainly wont be the last.

I obviously declined his offer.

I believe that it’s sooo incredibly important that we’re able to satisfy our partners needs, sexually – obviously if in a monogamous relationship. And him ours. It’s simply crucial for the longevity of a relationship. I understand that it’s probably not soo crucial for an open relationship as you have the opportunity to seek sexual fulfilment outside of your relationship but as I can never see myself in an open relationships I can only speak from an monogamist point of view.

Soo, I’d like to know what you all think? Should we put less concentration on a guys role in the bedroom and more concentration on him as a person and potential partner? And how do we get around that tricky situation if you do meet someone that has the same role as yourself. Is it doomed?

Or should we put more emphasis on each others role and make it more obvious from the very beginning soo we’re not wasting each others time?


3 thoughts on “TOP / BTM vs VERSATILE?

  1. Personally I think you are restricting yourself by saying your a total top. I think that there are personal issues about bottoming that you need to get over hence why your not enjoying it.

    Like you I used to say I’m a total top that was because I was always worried about certain things bottoming, now I’m far more relaxed about it, open to it and when I trust someone and have that connection I will bottom for them. I really enjoy it now and think anyone who says they are a total top needs
    To be more open minded and realise that to be fully satisfied Vers is the way to go.

    Remember one simple thing. When giving or taking anally “shit happens” accept that and you will be more relaxed :))


  2. Shane,

    I’m an overseas guy living in Melbourne now and English is not my native language. I’m 33 and was like you, top. Here is thing: “was”. Nowadays, I’m versatile, tending to be a little bit more bottom. How that happened? Well, on my first hook-ups I tried to have sex with the hottest guys I met on the internet (I was about 20 years old) and most of them were bottom, which was completly fine for me at that time. Then, of course, I felt in love by one in particular (now he is my ex unfortunately) and my God, sex with him was amazing and once he taught me how to be bottom. I reluctated to try again because I had bad experiences before, but I was so into him (really, even his smell made crazy that time) that I decided to surrender myself on bed for him and was fantastic. My point I think you should have someone who you really trust to give it a go. But has to be “the guy”! In my case, it took years to do that and I regret because you never know if you are going to meet your soulmate. Your post broght those memories back, hehrhehe.


    Liked by 1 person

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