I’m thinking a move back to Sydney is on the cards.
While I never felt like I fit into the Sydney gay scene with all the ruffles, skirts, squeals, drama, glitter, bitching, backstabbing, judging (and the list goes on…) I’ve come to realise it’s all about how you feel about yourself and the people you surround yourself with. We are all individuals who have our own path and insecurities and none of us are perfect – no matter how perfect we actually think we are.
I never surrounded myself with gays (lesbians yes) and never had many, if any, gay (male) friends in Sydney because I was worried I’d fall into the trap of the stereotypical gay, which is what I’ve always been afraid of because it’s not who I think I am but it’s who I thought I had to be to be accepted by the community. But I am who I am. We are who we are. While many may judge me because I don’t wear the new line of AussieBum underwear with a perfect six-pack or spend hours in front of the mirror before I head out I’m ok with that. I’m a Newtown boy at heart, I don’t usually dwell in the Darlinghurst crowd and I’m generally more of a relaxed-pub-with-a-beer kinda guy – although I don’t mind a dance at the Shift every now and then!
While sex always played a massive role in my Sydney life after the breakup of my last relationship it was always about trying to fill that void that I imagined was there. It wasn’t. It was all about my own insecurities and my one-and-a-half years in Melbourne has made me realise a few things about myself, who I am and what I want.
I think it’s important that when I do head back to Sydney that I step out of my comfort zone. I will engage with people I never did before and I will venture to places I was once afraid to venture to. I will make new friends and I will not concentrate on finding that one guy who will sweep me off my feet. He maybe out there, he may not be out there but while life can be extremely short I’m sure it’ll all come in it’s own time, at it’s own pace, when it’s suppose too. I can’t force it.
I miss all my Sydney friends. I miss my best friends. Life has continued, as it does, since I’ve been gone and babies are being born and marriages are being had. I feel like I’m missing out, missing out on crucial moments that I can only see in photographs and on Facebook walls. It has been hard. It will also be extremely hard to leave my sister and my two little-shit nephews (below) here in Melbourne. I love them. I haven’t lived in the same city as any of my family members for many years and to be able to spend time with them has been great. I will miss those times and in some way I will always feel guilty for leaving.
However, earlier this month I connected with a new friend Sam who wrote a similar SameSame article (here) to mine (here) about the difficulties of finding love in Sydney. We now chat most days and he seems like a really great guy. I hope Sam is the first of many new Sydney friends to come (we’re even considering becoming flatmates when I move up). It’s exciting.
I’ve absolutely loved my life in Melbourne and I will always cherish my time spent here. The beautiful city and all the friendly people I have crossed paths with during this time have been life changing. I love you all. But now I think it’s time to consider Sydney once again.
Sydney, here I come…brace yourself!