Tonight I met up with a guy for a drink that I met and started chatting with on Grindr thismorning and I’ve realised I’m either crap at this whole thing or I really have no fucking idea what gays want these days. To be honest, I’d say it’s a bit of both.
And to be fair, I also don’t spend much time with gays, something I need to change, as I’m yet to meet some non-scene, relaxed, chilled-out gays that I really connect with on a friendship level (not just sex). Therefore, I get a little nervous around gays and that doesn’t always work in my favour.
I arrived at The Bank Hotel in Newtown around 9pm and he was already there awaiting my arrival. We got a drink (he got the first round and I said I’d get the second) and started chatting for awhile and I thought things were going well. He was definitely an attractive guy, definitely my type, and on the plus side he was a total bottom so it really could’ve worked out.
We chatted about our hobbies and what we liked doing in our spare time. We both love Netflix and discussed ‘Stranger Things’. I knew he liked interior design as he’s just bought an apartment and I kind-of work in that area and really enjoy it myself. He loves and plays tennis and I love and have played in the past. We are also both pretty non-scene which is a positive from my perspective. There were a few other things that we had in common except I spent the better part of life-after-school travelling and instead he grew up typically Asian (his words) and had to go to uni straight after school and get his career underway. I spent those years seeing corners of the globe that not everyone gets to see in their life time and I wouldn’t change it for anything.
Now, I tend to ramble and talk shit (like you haven’t guessed already) when I’m a little nervous and sometimes I don’t show the real and relaxed me and I come across a little too talkative and opinionated which is probably….obnoxious or annoying. I think it can be hard to show who you are within a short time frame. It takes me a little while to relax sometimes.
In all seriousness, from the very beginning, before meeting in person, I thought it was all probably a long shot anyways as he is a lawyer, owns property and from what I can imagine enjoys a certain lifestyle. There’s no way I could match that – in whatever kind-of materialistic way I look at it. However, saying that our conversation via Grindr and Whatsapp flowed really well and I was really eager to meet him (and him me I thought) – after all we were both looking for the same thing – something more than just sex. Plus, we didn’t even exchange dick n’ arse pics! I REPEAT – we didn’t even exchange dick n’ arse pics!! Yes, it’s actually true! We really didn’t! WIN!
But I guess meeting someone for the very first time can sometimes be a little daunting and our insecurities can show. I’m in no way overly confident, and that can come across in how I communicate when meeting for the first time. But the conversation flowed quite well, I thought, however there were two times when he said he wasn’t sure what to say soo I guess I over compensated and said a few semi-stupid things to get past those moments, nothing too substantial but as soon as I said them I questioned myself. He seemed very confident, I guess being a lawyer he has to be, and I felt like I needed to match that. Fail. In hindsight I should’ve just chilled out more and not concentrate on matching him – I thought that’s what he might want. After all, I did want him to like me. I really shouldn’t have over compensated to entertain my own delusions.
After we finished our first drinks I asked if he wanted another – it was my turn to shout – but he politely declined and then said he was going to head off. I instantly knew that was it – he had already made up his mind.
I think in this case I wasn’t who he saw himself with longterm. I don’t think I ticked many of his boxes. And I guess that’s ok. He mentioned that in his previous relationship [and I strongly think that past relationship should not be discussed when on a date or even meeting someone for the very first time…or second time for that matter] that his ex-boyfriend and him were the ‘power couple’ in their group of friends. I didn’t know what that meant so I questioned what a power couple was and he mentioned the term was from the L-Word or some other gay TV show and he explained they were considered the power couple because he and his ex had substantial jobs (I’m guessing its about the job title and the salary each earned), owned their home and had an investment property, etc etc. As soon as he mentioned this I straight away got the feeling there was no way on earth I was going to live up to his expectations and be that next power couple that he was more-than-likely needing, wanting or auditioning guys for. Gays like ‘show and tell’. They love parading. I have absolutely no idea what he would tell his friends about me if they began asking questions. The only thing I can think of is that I don’t own any property. That I don’t earn $100k plus per year. Or maybe that I’ve never had the pleasure of having the power couple status in my group of friends.
I absolutely do not care about these types of things. I couldn’t give a shit about how much someone earns or what their job title is or whether or not they own property. The things that are important to me is trust, the connection, the communication, honesty, the ability to laugh at each other and understand each others humour (it’s probably obvious but I have a very strange sense of humour and find everything funny and have a knack of turning every conversation into something filthy) and I will always find it important how they get along with my friends – my Sydney family.
Now, this isn’t a dig at this guy. I’m using tonights experience as an example. He probably has a list of boxes that need to be ticked and I didn’t tick enough. Or maybe he took offence to something I said. Or maybe he just thought I was ugly and not his type. Who knows. I sent him a message once I got home but he replied saying he didn’t think we had much in common. And that’s his choice. I accept that. In the twenty-minutes or soo we met he seemed like a nice guy. I’ve obviously made some generalisations from the quick experience but I certainly don’t claim to know him. I don’t. I’m sure the perfect guy for him is out there. Somewhere.
But I think we all, in some shape of form, are not our entire selves when meeting someone for the very first time. Gays are extremely judgemental which puts even more pressure on us to act, talk and express ourselves in a certain way. But I guess it’s like all our mothers have probably said to us at some point in our lives; if someone doesn’t like you for who you are then they are not the right person for you. And I think that’s a pretty fair way to look at it.
BUT, it’s how quickly we determine that someone is not right for us. Do we make that judgement call the first time you meet someone? Or the second or third time? Or do we just make the call within the first few minutes due to their look or appearance?
I honestly don’t think people go out on dates anymore. Instead, they to go to auditions or an interview to fill a vacant role. Maybe, just maybe, we’re all guilty of being a little too harsh sometimes. You make a quick decision based on that first, or sometimes second, audition, then jump back on Grindr or Tinder and search for the next guy – you’re back to square one!
I admit that I complain how hard it is to meet someone decent these days and I’m sure I’ve been a little too harsh in the past but after tonight I’ve decided to be a little more open and not-soo-quick on the judgement calls…imagine meeting a guy for the first time and him being nervous and you being a little unsure after departing and then meeting him again for the second time and it simply just clicks. Imagine. Or maybe it doesn’t click. And that’s ok also.
My question to you all is – Should we be less critical from the very beginning and should ease up on all those boxes that need to be ticked before we slam down on that ‘next’ buzzer?