Relationships are cunts. Please excuse my french, I’m in no state to watch my mouth today. We all know it. Don’t kid yourself thinking you’ll be with your partner forever because forever really doesn’t exist. Things end. There’s always an ending in this day and age. Soo it seems.
Yes, you might be right in thinking that I’m currently going through a traumatic breakup and I’m feeling sorrow, lost, and any number of emotions that I can’t put a name to through the hundreds of tears that have been streaming down my face over the last week. I doubt they even have technical names. But I’m sure I could come up with a few as I lay here on my couch staring out through the glass of my balcony door into a wine haze wondering what went wrong. Ohh what went soo fucking wrong that now everything we had planned for, all future events that we had discussed, will now no longer come true? They simply disappear into nothing-ness. [Fade to black, life is over as I know it]. But I do know what went wrong.
Fuck! Fuckety fuck FUCK! Jesus or whomever is supposedly up there, amongst the skies, honestly cant be true if he enjoys putting me through this much fucking pain and agony! My beautiful bottle of Villa Maria Sauvignon Blanc is my Jesus tonight, but even he reminds me of my ex and our trip to New Zealand last year. Fuck! I’ll just keep drinking it anyways because I can’t stop. Not tonight. I’m an emotional mess.
It’s funny how we go into relationships thinking they are forever. Whether it be a friendship or a lover, they really aren’t meant to end, right? Otherwise why would we start one? Before tonight I was positive that mine would last the test of time until one of us effortlessly passes away in our sleep, in the others arms, to a beautiful Cranberries song (RIP Dolores O’Riordan) playing on our ghetto-blaster that’s perfectly positioned right next to our perfect bed, in our perfect room, in our perfect home. The love we shared was endless. Everything we had said during our relationship had been leading up to this final event. The event where one couldn’t live without the other, so the other would take that pill, wash it down with a glass of wine (or whiskey if you prefer) and fall dead asleep next to the others lifeless body that we refuse to live without.
Blah! Blah! Blah! Bunch of utter. fucking. bullshit. Basically, what I’m saying in my current state is that life is not a movie. It’s not a dramatic love story fairytale where two characters come together at the end and live happily ever after. But I want it to be. I honestly want my life to be a movie. A dramatic love story where my ex will knock on my door, I’ll open it and there he’ll be standing with his suitcases and his arms wide open, we kiss and live happily ever after. [Roll credits].
Basically, almost everything that went wrong in my relationship is my fault. I’m an emotional being (wreck rather) and I’m probably more suited to another emotional being (or wreck) where we can elegantly discuss our feelings on top of a doona cover while holding each others hands and longing for that moment that our lips softly come together, cementing our love for one another until we then make sweet sweet sweet sweet sweet sweet love to make up for any indiscretions [except cheating]. Isn’t that the reason why we argue – the makeup sex?
God help me. God honestly fucking help me! Get me through this rough time and maybe, just maybe, I’ll then believe in you (joke, no I wont). Stop me from looking at my phone every two-minutes hoping that he has read my last message, thought about me and responded like he used too – maybe I had somehow missed the bell going off telling me I’m still loved – even though my phone is on loud and it’s positioned by my side within easy reach. I cant help it, my phone is currently glued to my body and my eyes awaiting that on-screen notification. But no, he hasn’t yet replied and he’s more than likely already moved on with his life. I knew it! There’s no other explanation and he probably no longer thinks about me. Did someone say “Dramatic”? How dare you! (LOL)
This very well could be the truth. Might not be the truth. Who knows. It’s the only thing currently going through my crazy head. I overthink. Yes, I know I do and I know when I’m doing it but I just can’t stop. My anxiety takes on a life of it’s own and I have no control whatsoever. I’ve just slipped a Xanax and followed it down with the leftover wine in my glass, but even that can’t help me this week. I’m a lost cause stuck on the highway to hell. [Yes, I know I can be dramatic].
They say there’s eight scientific effects a heartbreak can have on the body. I’ll list six as the last two are stupid. First of all your brain thinks you’re physically hurt or injured. It can feel like someone has punched you in the stomach, knocking all the wind out of you. It can be consuming, as if your entire body were suddenly in rigamortis. Secondly, you either get really heavy or really thin (please make me thin!). We know that during sadness we either eat or not eat, this isn’t new. Thirdly, you swim in stress hormones. Your brain pumps your body full of cortisol and epinephrine which is not good for your body. Fourth, you get depressed, well, umm durrrr! Fifth, you go through withdrawal symptoms, apparently like a cocaine addict. Well, rack me up! Sixth, you wonder who you are and you question your identity and it can provoke a existential crisis. Tick, tick (but hopefully thin), tick, tick, tick and tick again!
My head has always spoken a different language to my heart, and it’s my heart that longs for his forgiveness, his understanding and his simple reply to any or all of the contact that this crazy person [me] has made. I’m honestly not a psycho that you see in daytime television movies stalking their exes, I’m just simply following my heart until I can fight no more. I’m pathetic, I know it. But I’m just waiting for that moment where it all clicks, where I pull myself together, tell myself there’s plenty more fish in the sea [cue mums phone call] and I just move on. That very moment in time seems soo very far away. It’s as if I don’t want that moment to pass. Not yet anyways, I might still have a few ideas up my sleeve to woo him back. Only time will tell, fingers crossed!
I travelled overseas to see him during the Christmas break and things didn’t go as planned. We had (I can no longer say have) been in a long distance relationship since the end of July ’17 when he had visited me in Melbourne and we had that ever important chat. I still remember it, we were in my bedroom, and I of course had to start that conversation, but we both wanted the same thing. It was magical. It was then that I gave him my heart. Well, that part is untrue – I secretly gave it to him the very first time we met for a beer on Chapel Street in 2015. I just never told him.
Then came the official announcement that will be written about in the history books – on August 6th 2017 we made it Facebook official. #proudestmomentofmylife
Yes, we’ve known each other for a few years but during this visit in July we had cemented our love for one another and agreed we would be in a monogamous (important to us both) relationship – a conversation all gays need to have. I was ecstatic. He was everything I had been looking for. He was cute, sexy, smart, made me laugh, into monogamy, approachable, tall, handsome, good looking, successful, said the right things at the right time, funny, endearing, honest, trustworthy, loyal, loving, sincere, ambitious, happy, patient, determined, considerate and the list goes on and on. He was the needle in that never-ending haystack. Everyone knows how hard and rare it is to find a gem in the gay world and I now had found mine, after years and years of heartache. Soo I thought.
But things went astray. I got emotional on my visit during Christmas – while his friends were also visiting! I made a fool out of myself and I said things I did not mean. I simply couldn’t have meant them – the man that stood in front of me was the man I was in love with and his long-term friends, that stood by his side, were his witnesses. He was everything I had dreamed of. Sure, he has his emotional traumas and his emotional limitations, but who doesn’t? He too said and did things wrong also, but his positives certainly outweigh his negatives. I thought mine did also. His emotional issues I can handle, I have enough emotion for the both of us and if anything was really worrying him I know I’m approachable soo he could open up to me. I’d like nothing more.
But it was the alcohol talking. If I hadn’t gotten all up in his grill and let my anxiety take control and become emotional then everything would been fine – I’d be back home where I now lay, we’d be chatting constantly on the phone and counting down the days to my next visit at the end of March, over Easter. It would be bliss. Please tell me someone has a time machine?
Sure, the distance is certainly hard, it would be for anyone, but he was always the one who reassured me and told me that we’d get through it all – with all my forthcoming visits we’d see each other all the time. It was probably true, I was visiting over Christmas and New Year, then again for ten-days over Easter, he was hoping to visit in March or April, then we were in Hong Kong together in July and then hopefully (I was secretly hoping) he would join me and my best friend Gin (not the drink) on our week-long trip to Bali in September 2018. Seminyak obviously, I would never stay in Kuta! But now it may not be the case. My non-refundable flights in March might go unused (will now sell to the highest bider), I will now most probably do Hong Kong alone in July and I’m thankful that Gin will be accompanying me to Bali – Gin, you have no choice, you are my best friend and we go through everything together so start packing!
But without going into too much detail about why we ended, I’m honestly lost for words [odd for me, I know] on how to repair things. I believe he’s currently at his wits end and no longer wants to talk to me and I feel like I’ve exhausted all my options. At what stage does one just simply walk away knowing it’s all over? Should I have more dignity or should I keep fighting for what I believe in?
After I left his foreign, and now home, town and flew back to Melbourne earlier than expected, we both made it clear that we missed each other – we didn’t want it to end. I had been back in Melbourne for not forty-eight hours before I got on another two planes and flew back to confess my love, apologise for everything that had happened and hopefully win him back. I knew I wasn’t the only one in the wrong, I played a much bigger part, but I was prepared to apologise, open up and confess my love to the man I hoped wouldn’t just kick me to the curb and forget everything that we had planned as a couple. Plus I had Facebook’d his friends on my earlier departure to apologise for my behaviour as I needed to own my shit, which I think I did. But no excuses.
The next four nights were awkward but I was eternally thankful for them. I was thankful he had me back and I was thankful to be back. I think with my heart, I trust it will lead me in the right direction. But sometimes when my emotions and alcohol are mixed my head jumps up from behind the couch and that’s when things go astray. I know I need to listen to my heart wholeheartedly. If I do then I have nothing to lose. If I fail then I know I gave it absolutely everything – I can walk away with my head held high and my heart intact. But I just have no concept of when to just give up and when to walk away. Is there a specific time? I’m sure I currently look like a douche (no, not that kind of douche you big bunch of bottoms!) and desperate but I’m not sure if I’m yet ready to pack it all in, delete his number from my phone (soo I can finally leave him alone) and just walk away completely. He hasn’t yet said “Shane, I no longer love you and I no longer want this, please now fuck off and leave me alone”. I still hold some hope. I have too.
Why can’t it be as simple as me forwarding him the GET FIT AND LIT WITH THE LORD video that we shared soo many laughs over? We could do a few Right, Left, Up to Jesus and Circle Circle to the Lord moves over FaceTime and everything just goes back to the way it was – we/I learn our/my lessons and we live happily ever after? I’m going to email fitness guru Pamela Pupkin – hopefully she can shed some light!
I cannot turn back time. I certainly aint no Cher (speaking of which, is anyone seeing her at Mardi Gras??!). I cannot erase the things that were said and the things that were done. I just have to own them, apologise, and learn from my mistakes, make sure they don’t happen again and pray he can look past them. It’s hard to take things back you said in haste when they weren’t true. We all say and do things we don’t mean at certain points in our lives and this was my time. I was nervous during my visit. I let my anxiety get the better of me and I ran. Sometimes I run, or remove myself from a situation, to calm myself down. I’ll always go back to talk and work things out but in order for me to calm down I need time alone to think and gather my thoughts. Then I go back, apologise and listen, confess my love and pray everything will be ok. All couples fight, right?
I’m no Saint. I’m also no Kim Kardashian baby. Unfortunately. I will continue to make mistakes in my life and in relationships but I’ll always follow my heart. Until the very end. Some things work out, some things don’t, I get that. But I find it excruciatingly hard to just pack it all in and exit stage left when I’m still feeling the way I do. I love him. I absolutely fucking love him. If it does end, and only time will tell, this will be one written about in the chapters of my life. It means too much to just be erased.
I’ve sent him texts. I’ve sent him emails explaining how I feel. I’ve flown back to his foreign home to be by his side and confessed my love. I’ve sent twenty red and white roses to his work. I’ve opened up to him on paper about past life experiences that hopefully gives him a better understanding of who I am and why sometimes I do the things that I do. I’m trying. I’ve tried. But I seem to be failing. Maybe he has fallen out of love with me and wants to just move on with his life completely. I honestly don’t know. I wait with bated breath until I find out his truths. He already knows what I want.
I want to see him. Be face-to-face with him and have an honest talk about how he’s feeling and about what he wants. I don’t want to fight. The last thing I want is to fight with the man I love. I hope he’s ok. But I know it’s not all about me, it has to be a two-way street. But sometimes I push the boundaries, I hate being stuck in limbo and I hate not knowing where I stand. I’m pushy. I know I am. It’s yet another fault of mine. Another one down the long list of Shane’s faults. But if I have an argument in a relationship, I like to just sit down, talk it out, come to a resolution and then go have great sex. Life is too short. I hate going to bed at night with things unresolved. I can’t sleep – my mind races a million miles an hour and I just feel like shit. But I know this is just me, people handle things in different ways. He’s proving to be a trained professional at just cutting me from his life.
But truth be told, relationships aren’t always shit. Heartbreaks are. We put soo much on the line for relationships – we open ourselves up to failure and we negotiate what we once told ourselves we’d never accept, just to see where things go. You win some, you lose some. It’s life. But my relationship wasn’t shit. There were some frustrations due to the distance but overall we had some great times together – we laughed, we played, we talked, we travelled and we explored. I would look into his eyes and see the man that I love, a man I could see myself with for a very long time, a man who was my equal. I didn’t care about his faults, his deep dark secrets nor his baggage – I knew we would get through anything together, as one. Vomit worthy, I know, but it’s the truth.
But when you love someone soo damn much and you fight for it soo damn hard at what point do you just give up if you receive little in return? That is my million dollar question. I know I have no shame – I’d rather fight for something I believe in then to just let it pass me by. But is it now time for me to just give up? I guess I’m just waiting for those awful words to be spoken…“Shane, I no longer love you and I no longer want this, please now fuck off and leave me alone”.
But honestly. No, really – honestly. If this happens someone please just fucking kill me. Just put me out of my painful misery. At least for the first few months of my mourning anyways, until I spring back, as I’m sure I will, and get on with my once-again single life. Without him. Without the man I love.
Now, the only thing I can think of to conclude this post is the following song… (cue tissues!) This song was written for me at this point in my life. For last week. Yesterday. Today. Tomorrow. The next month. And probably beyond that. I hope you like it.
Wish me luck in winning him back!
Love Shane xx
19th January 2018
I was able to achieve a FaceTime discussion two nights ago where I was asked to simply move on and told that it was now over between us. It may not have been the outcome I was praying to Lil’Baby Jesus for, but I now had my answer and I now have no choice but to accept his decision and just simply [but not simply] move on completely. It’s certainly not going to be easy but I was thankful he was able to tell me via FaceTime, it meant a lot. He’s a great guy and he’ll own my heart for quite some time and I’ll always wish him well – I know I did absolutely everything I could the last few weeks to win back his heart – I now have to do everything within my power to try and not contact him, one of the hardest things of all when we whatsapp’d constantly and spoke daily. Every time my phone beeps it’ll remind me of him, but I now know it wont be him.
I have no idea what I’ll do with my non-changeable flights to his home town over Easter – I may have to either forfeit them, travel alone and stay in an Airbnb or hotel and do my own thing for those ten days or fly somewhere else after I arrive. It’ll be tough, extremely tough, excruciatingly tough but I know life will go on, just not as I had hoped. But I still have a few months to consider my options.
I can’t imagine dating or seeing anyone else, the thought of it makes me feel physically sick, but I think it’s time I get out there, meet some new people and expand my circle of friends. Best thing for me to do is to stay busy!
Who knows what the future holds…but now I just have to settle back into my new single life and take each day as it comes.
Wish me luck.
Just incase you want to sing along, as I do..
NO NEED TO ARGUE
There’s no need to argue anymore
I gave all I could
But it left me so sore
And the thing that makes me mad
Is the one thing that I had
I knew, I knew, I’d lose you
You’ll always be special to me
And I remember all the
Things we once shared
Watching TV movies on
The living room armchair
But they say it will work out fine
Was it all a waste of time
‘Cause I knew, I knew, I’d lose you
You’ll always be special to me
Will I forget in time
You said I was on your mind
There’s no need to argue
No need to argue anymore
There’s no need to argue anymore