Life Does Goes On, I know..

At what stage at the end of a relationship is it safe and acceptable to move on. Like, really move on – like a re-download Grindr and Tinder [yet again] and move on?

I’ve been single again for a month now and I’m having debates with myself about whether it’s time to suck up all my emotions and get back on those stupid gay apps once again and start making new friends, finding possible dates or the odd casual fuck, if and when I’m ready – which may not be yet. I understand it might be different for everyone and probably different for gays / straights but what is considered acceptable? One month, two months, three months or six?

With Valentines Day just days away and my thirty-fifth birthday next month, it really couldn’t be a more lonely and depressing time. But thankfully I’ve pulled myself across that first initial line of a failed relationship and I’m beginning to look forward and focus on the things that are important to me and repair myself – as well as reflect on the things that went wrong – which I feel is important so they don’t rear their ugly head again during my next relationship. I’ve also unwillingly convinced myself that my ex has now met someone else and has now completely moved on and no longer thinks about me, which has in some way helped me to move on…but I’m still somewhat broken and I’d hate for him to know that.

Gay Apps
Not yet sure what “blued” is…

But the debate I’m having with myself is tough. The time spent on apps trying to find that someone special can be ridiculous; the humiliation, the judgement, the criticism and the sheer let-downs seem to be endless – from memory of course as it’s been awhile since I’ve ventured down this road but the sheer anxiety of it all begins to take it’s toll and all I want to do is throw my phone across the room and lock myself in my bedroom. I’m exhausted thinking about the idea…which I guess tells me I’m not yet ready. But I want to be because I know life is short.

The days of a relationship ending and me finding a quick-fix [if you get my drift] to move on the only way I know how, are over. It was this relationship, that recently ended, that has taught me to now take my time. I was devoted, I thought longterm and I even considered marriage, which is very strange for me as I don’t usually believe in marriage, and evidently I was devastated when it all came crashing down. Yes, I’m still somewhat broken, as I’ve mentioned, and finding someone to share my bed for an hour or two may not be the best idea emotionally…and while the sexual urge is there I’m still not at that stage where I think I could go ahead with it. But I know at some point soon I’m going to have to do it, test out the waters and just give it a try. But when do I know it’s the right time? Maybe…I will just know. I’m venturing into unknown waters here, my slutty days are long over and I now listen to my heart – not my head and certainly no longer my dick – unless it’s just him and I.

We now rely on all these phone apps to meet one another. No longer are the days we go out, build-up the courage to talk to that hot guy ordering a drink at the bar beside you or that guy dancing provocatively close to you. It’s tough. First, we are put under the microscope before someone decides whether or not you’re worthy of meeting up with in public and then you’re put through the ringer to meet all his requirements and prerequisites and then you go through the next few months unaware if he’s still dating or seeing other guys, in-which they more than likely are. You then realise he is not the guy for you and you’re back to square one. It seems like an endless cycle. Or is it just me?

It can certainly be an awful world out there. I guess I just need to focus on getting my priorities straight (not that straight), my head in the right space and then the rest will flow. I think I just have to trust the natural order of things and trust that a quick-fix wont help me in the long-run, it might help me in moving on from my current heartbreak, but emotionally it wont prepare me for what’s next. I hope it’s good, please Lil’Baby Jebus, make it good…

I wish somebody had all the answers. For the time being I will resist the urge of the apps, I will resist the urge for a quick-fix and I will resist the urge to move on sooner than I should. For now.
In order for me to repair I must take things one step at a time – if only I understood this five years ago, I’d be in a much better position than I am today.

It’s a crazy world out there folks, tread with caution but most of all – be nice to one another, because you never know what that person is going through behind open eyes and a wide smile.

Love Shane x

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