Suostei សួស្តីសម្លាញ់ everyone!
That’s Khmer for “hello”, and yes I did use an online translation tool for that because I don’t speak Khmer and it still might be slightly wrong – apologies to the Cambodian people. I use the Cambodian language simply because next week I’m heading back overseas and heading to Cambodia again for what will more than likely be my final visit.
In July last year I booked a return flight to Cambodia to spend ten-nights with my then partner over Easter, but over New Years we split up [as you may have read here and here] and we no longer talk, at his request, which will make this trip an interesting and difficult one. Apart from visiting Phenom Penh in January 2009 prior to relocating to London, I have only ever visited Cambodia to visit and expand my relationship with my now ex-partner who is living there for work.
I unfortunately can’t change my flights as they are non-changeable and non-refundable and I was considering just forfeiting them and staying in Melbourne over Easter but I’ve recently thought fuck it! I may as well go and just enjoy myself for ten nights! Why the fuck not, right?
Therefore I’ve now decided to fly into Cambodia using these flights but then catch an AirAsia flight out a few hours later and spend majority of my ten-nights in Bangkok – yes Bangcock! I miss Bangkok and I’m looking forward to getting back for seven nights of relaxation, massages, drinking, shopping and being poolside. But it’s the three nights after Bangkok, where I return to Cambodia, before flying home, that has me feeling anxious.
My ex-partner sent me a message about six weeks ago, after me desperately declaring my devout love for him & losing whatever dignity I had left, stating he can’t move on from me and our relationship without blocking me on every social media app on his phone, which he immediately did, so I won’t be initiating any contact with him while I’m there but the anxiety of running into him, on his territory, will be immense…and I hate that feeling. How the fuck do we go from loving a person soo much and wanting to spend the rest of your life with them to then feeling immense anxiety at the thought of possibly running into them? Now, I’m not really sure if he’s the type to slightly abuse me or say some smart-arse comment to me should I do accidentally run into him or if he’ll just ignore my existence and pretend he doesn’t know me at all, which he’s evidently quite good at doing – but I imagine if he’s with friends he could do either of the two options and I don’t know which is worse. I thought I knew him but I now realize that maybe I never did – the difficult thing with long distance relationships.
I’ve booked myself into a nice resort (Sokhalay Angkor Villa Resort) for the three nights I’m in town which is not located close to where he lives and I might just stay within the confines of the resort and recuperate after my week in Bangkok – this would eliminate any accidental cross-over, which I’m sure he would appreciate.
But, if I were to be completely honest, these three nights in Cambodia are going to be extremely lonely and I probably shouldn’t be putting myself in this situation. I should be staying in Bangkok the entire time and just flying in-and-out of Cambodia to connect with my Australian flights. But this trip was planned together, and in some shape of form it was to take our relationship to the next level and for us to potentially discuss how we could move forward as a union and be together on a daily basis. But as fate usually happens, things didn’t work out as planned and I’m back to square one, which I’m finally coming to terms with.
But thankfully this trip will give me that much needed opportunity to process all my final thoughts and feelings and allow me that one silent, and final, wave goodbye to the man I once loved more than any other – that I probably desperately need to be able to move on completely – as he has. He understandably will consume my every thought while visiting and the movie-like image of us saying our last goodbyes to one another down the dirt road that he lives on [him on his motorbike, me in the back of a tuk tuk looking back, both with tears and waving goodbye] in January will be at the forefront of my mind for those final three nights. But his words, his silent and empty text messages and his actions after this will ring true and I will obviously respect his decision and refrain from making any contact while in town. I know he wont unblock me on his phone (I’m not sure I want him too after he wanted it, and did it, in the first place) and he’s made it extremely clear he doesn’t want to see me soo I must try my hardest to hold onto any tiny bit of dignity that I have left (there’s very little) after our demise and do my own thing….and in a way I understand where he’s coming from – no further contact we make, meet up we schedule or words we share, is going to change how he feels about me and change our situation…or help the process of both moving on with our lives. But I know he can be extremely harsh and cruel at times, as I can be stupid and mean, which is why it’s probably best if we don’t run into each other – I certainly don’t want any further heartache (I’m now outa tears!) & there’s only a number of ways a guy can be told he’s not wanted before it sounds like a broken record. Soo I guess we now have no choice but to continue down our own separate paths in life and make ourselves happy. It’s the end of a chapter you might say and this trip will be that unfortunate resting place – if I was to take anything from this trip, it will be that.
Cambodia be nice, Bangcock here I cum – wish me luck peoples!
Hasta la vista, baby!