Roles We Play & The Selfish Other Half

I wrote this post a week or two ago and I only just remembered I didn’t post it…because I was 41,000 feet in the air and I didn’t have any wifi [yes, shock horror to all those judgmental gays, I was on an international flight with a budget airline – I can hear the gasps now].

It’s been awhile since I’ve posted anything as I’ve been concentrating on other things and life in general, but I woke up this morning thinking about writing something so I’m just going to post this un-edited version while I get onto another post I’ve been writing subconsciously.

Soo here it is homos, and the like.. Enjoy [or delete].

Roles We Play & The Selfish Other Half

I was having a conversation with a mate the other day while I was on holiday in Bali & it got my thinking. He was suggesting, or stating rather, that tops are selfish when it cums to sex. Actually, it was apparently a fact.
They, as in our supposed dominant top half, don’t need to “prepare” for sex & that in some way or another makes them selfish. I honestly couldn’t understand what he was saying but it got me thinking because this wasn’t the first time I’ve heard someone say this – I’ve heard many bottoms say this, in a round-about-way, over the course of my sexual expeditions and I’ve usually not responded. But he, as far as I’m aware, is a Top (as am I) soo his words I found to be quite unusual. Well, he says he’s toooo tight to bottom but I’d like to suggest that he’s just too frigid. Paul, I love you but buy some poppers {not his real name}.

But don’t get me wrong, I might be 41,000 feet in the air while writing this, I do think some Tops could be selfish when it cums to cleaning & preparing for sex, but speaking for myself – again, a TOP (⬆️) – I don’t think this is wholeheartedly true. But I still found his remarks to be quite strange soo I went deeper (no pun intended) into the conversation.

Screen Shot 2018-09-29 at 9.35.46 am.png
Who in the bloody hell has heard of “Antananarivo” or “Johor Baharu” before?! Not me!

Sometimes…there’s really no time to prepare for that thing we call love-making. Ok, ok, ok, who am I kidding, I mean sex, or fucking, fornicating or just simply pounding one out. The passion can be soo intense, and the need soo great, that there’s no such time. You may have come home from work soooo horny & needing to bust a nut soooo intensely that the mere sight of your unprepared “other half” is enough to send you into an almighty sexual rage & you throw him on the floor and you go for gold. But lets just say things could get a little messy on the carpet…or maybe you breathe that sigh of relief when it’s all over because you paid that little bit extra when purchasing your couch to get it scotchgard’ed. I hear you sista [high-five], it’s saved me a pretty penny over the years!

But unlike our brothers & sisters of the straight world who don’t always need to prepare for intercourse, we homos of the world require anus’ to be cleaned, douched, hosed out, syringed or whatever-else before we plow those anal passages. And depending on how conscious they are it could be a very long ten-to-sixty-minute wait – until they suddenly appear all fresh-faced, smiling & raring-to-go and not to mention wanting to forget the process they just endued. Trust me, it’s definitely worth the wait.

I, for one, have always appreciated a great Bottom. I appreciate the effort one goes to for great, clean, fun. It can’t be easy. Fuck no, the effort a Bottom goes to should be appreciated, and I think we Tops should show our appreciation a little more. The next guy that bottoms for me I swear I will stand on my bed, or my lounge, and clap as he enters to show my undivided appreciation [you’ve been warned]. I appreciate his effort. I appreciate his dedication. I appreciate his willingness. I appreciate his cleanliness. Because everyone loves a clean anal passage, right? Sometimes after sex as I stare into the ceiling of my bedroom, or loungeroom rather, and I see the clouds parting and Lil’Baby Jebus himself reigning down and patting those bare cheeks lying next to me appreciatively, before giving his approval for that humping-great night. Or morning. Afternoon. Or just that quickie in the Park after dusk.

Attention Tops. I, for one, am thankful I was circumcised when I was a baby. I know no other way. But I’ve heard many Bottoms in the past complain about the effort they go too & then they get into bed, a car, a cubicle or an outdoor area and you haven’t even cleaned the junk from inside of you foreskin! Ohhhhh the smell, the smell! I cannot think of anything worse. Actually, yes I can, but I’ll leave that to your own creative imagination, but in talking for all the Bottoms out there that have had to deal with this in the past, and voiced their disapproval to me, I tell all my fellow Tops to clean also. Prepare. If you want a Bottom to prepare, then you should also. Shower.

But. Everyone. Also hear this…I do not believe Tops, in general, are selfish, and I’d hope that some Bottoms who think this are able to re-think this idea. Just because we don’t have to hose out our insides, it doesn’t make us selfish. We all choose our bedroom roles based on what we enjoy, what feels right, our equipment and what works in our relationships – or that Grindr fuck you’ve desperately been wanting & willing to change-it-up-for. Yes, we are lucky we don’t have to go to the lengths that you Bottoms have to go too, but don’t punish us for that. If I had a dollar for every time I’ve slept with a guy and we’ve gotten into the doggie position and that almighty stench has hit my nose and I look down and even in the darkness I can see that dark matter all over my sheets, I’d have enough money to go have my car washed today. It’s Saturday, I’m lazy, I can afford it, I don’t want to do it myself. Speaking of which, is anyone available? I can pay you….if you have a slot for my card?

AND if the unthinkable does happen then honestly…shit happens. Accidents happen. It happens to the best of us. When you’re pounding the poop hole like I have you really have to be prepared for the unimaginable. Sure, it’s obviously more acceptable and carefree in a relationship but if you’ve found a Bottom on Grindr who was passing your house late on a Saturday night and you invite him in for an anonymous coffee then don’t be surprised if it happens, and don’t kick him out disgusted because of it – how mortifying would it be to be him?! If I was in his shoes I’d simply roll my naked self off his bed, pick up the clothes I had dumped on his floor earlier (no pun intended), grab my shit (again, no pun intended) and sprint for his front door without looking back and no time to say sorry. The thought of his neighbor seeing a random naked man run from his front door, through a car park and down the road to his car sure as shit beats having to stay and face the disaster from within his bed. BLOCK would be the button I press on his Grindr profile so I would never have to relive that moment. I would then take a deep breath, start my car and slowly drive home erasing those mortifying moments earlier from my mind – before noticing I’m still naked and my dirty arse is smeared all over my car seat! Ohhh well, at least it’s mine.

Bottoms: we appreciate you. Dont think we’re all selfish and/or lazy. Also, what is it that I’ve heard soooo many times before…Bottoms have more fun, right?

Anyways, lets appreciate each other more, our roles and the lengths (no pun intended) we all go too (and more than willing to receive).

Love Shane xx

Also, while talking bum holes, who in their right mind has had their anus bleached? Is this a real thing?! I really wana know. Who wants to come over and watch Alex Strangelove on my couch and explain to me why they did it….and potentially bend over and show me?! Pleeeeease.


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